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NOTE: In case you haven’t figured it out from the name, this work is a parody. So, it’s going to full of plot holes and occasionally some deliberate mistakes. So, yeah, no need to point those out. Just to say in advance. Now to draw the dark and unholy header that separates the disclaimer from the actual story.
Chapter One: Ron Eats Some Death. Or Something.Edit
Hello. My name is Mary Peter Homer Simfrin Jack Percyson Uberattractive Makeboysfall Attheirfeet Forsomereason Sue. The Third. My life was filled with utter tragedy until I met the handsome, charming and completely nice Draco Malfoy. But first I should explain my tragic past.
It all started when I was five. I had this pet butterfly for about 10 seconds. Unfortunately it died of colon cancer, which shocked my mum and dad so much they suffered minor heart attacks and then promptly committed suicide. I was then sent to an orphanage where I was later adopted by some loving farmers. However more tragedy struck when a plane, which also happened to have my secret real rich father who had just revealed I was his daughter, crashed into their house while I was outside picking strawberries. From shops. While no one was looking. I was then, to my shock, the orphanage I went to afterwards was destroyed. By a meteor. Which for some reason didn’t wipe out anywhere else. While I was out. Picking strawberries. Again.
At that point a half-giant appeared before me. He then told me gruffly “Yer a witch’. On being told gruffly I were a wizard, I ran away in fear, not knowing his true intentions.
After some explaining and surprisingly fast running for a man of his stature. He explained to me I was in fact a being that could use sticks to set people on fire (how this wouldn’t set my wand on fire in the process was never explained) and if I could remember the words properly (which is hard due to the similarities to Abra Kadabra making you remember it incorrectly) I could go on a murdering rampage decimating entire countries in about a week at the least. He then explained that I was not allowed to do that.
Upon reaching the school, I saw the most handsome and delightful boy ever. His name was Draco Malfoy. Due to my incredible beauty, he immediately fell in love with me and shyly said hello to me. He was so cute when he was shy. I knew he was cute when he was shy because despite only having just met him because in this section of the multiverse people suddenly act in a way contrary to the main universe’s world and suddenly treat each other like they’ve known each other for years and have a HUGE crush on each other. Also one of the girl’s, in other words me, will be unbelievably attractive and will be talented in every way with no flaws, and will be able to control the world and be the most important person in it by simply doing nothing but looking sexy. Also bad guys will randomly change sides because they see her.
Suddenly I looked to the Gryffindor and saw the foul Ron Weasly, who was being violent to his friends, Vampire Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger. He had hit Hermione the most and Vampire had a black eye. Also he was a Death Eater.
Draco Malfoy had tried to stand up to him on several occasions, but his evil henchman, Fred and George, had fed him to a giant toad as a cruel and sinister ‘joke’. Because of this Draco had two broken fingers, both of which were his middle fingers, which made him unable to middle-finger people.
Because that’s how things work in real life.
Chapter Two: Table ImmortalEdit
For narrative purposes, in other words because someone’s plain bored of the boring characters that this story is supposed to be about, the beginning of this chapter shall be written as though the actual main characters were inconsequential, even though they’re clearly not.
Cut to a scene where Professor Loopin, as he now goes by because it sounds funnier that way, and Snap (who coincidentally likes card games) were chewing vigorously. They were really enjoying their bubble gum, who it was truly bubbly and gummy. Just thinking of their bubble gum made them chew even more, which is quite amazing.
“Stop masticating, you two!” screeched Dumbledore in outrage, in a very outrageous way, “We need to concentrate and set a good example for the students!”
“But masticating is so much fun!” said Loopin, as he chewed more and more.
“Alright, alright, I’m almost done.”
“Enough!” Dumbledore cried and slapped this chewing gum out of Loopin’s mouth in single stroke. Which, considering his age, was pretty awesome. Snap had swallowed his for some reason, but Dumbledore slapped him anyway. Thankfully, nobody was paying attention to the teachers because one of the floating candles had fallen and accidentally set fire to Hufflepuff’s table which everyone was concerned greatly about. It had also set fire to a girl who was now running around screaming on fire, which people were less concerned about. I mean, people come and go, but tables? Tables are unique. Every table is slightly different, has slightly different marks. Some of the Hufflepuffs had had food at that table once. And once you eat at a table, you never forget the aforementioned table. Some had fond childhood memories of when they stuck some chewing gum to the bottom of the table, which still to this day was there.
All in all, when the table was finally put out there was much rejoicing. And many lovers kissed due to magicalness of the moment, enemies finally accepted their differences and local charities found themselves with more money than usual. On an unrelated note, the aforementioned girl became a ghost that day. There aren’t many clues to her death, but she seems a bit weary of fire and candles and has a slight hatred towards tables. Due to her slight hatred of tables no one pays her any attention.
Meanwhile, a bit of gum flung from Loopin’s mouth flying through the air much like a candy wrapper caught in an updraft (except heading towards the left) and landed on a spoon’s edge. The spoon flipped upwards, making many strange movements in the air and then landed on a knife’s edge which also went up in the air, ending up cutting one person’s ear off and then hitting the chewing gum again, sending the gum hurtling forward out of the window where after some time it caught speed and went so fast it vanished from the current time, having broke the light barrier and travelling through time and space.
Also meanwhile, Draco Malfoy and Mary Whateverhermiddlenameswhere Sue were having a wonderful and relaxing time eating some scones, which had magically appeared on their plates. The scones were brownish, with cream and butter but no jam spread on them, just the way Mary liked but whose mother thought it was weird she didn’t like jam. This was totally, of course, irrelevant and within seconds the sorting hat broke the peace and harmony (or, at least, the closest this school would ever have to such a thing) by shouting some words which ended up making Mary Sue go up and put the sorting hat on her head.
Be assured I would like to reveal what house she was in, but in order to keep chapter size consistent I have no room, as I have wasted the story on tables, setting girls on fire, eating scones and masticating. We also would have had room had I not felt like making this note, which, sadly, I felt like making. As you can see. With your eyes. Unless you are blind and/or too lazy to read and are using a WordReader or whatever they’re called to read out the words. In which case, I shall confuse you WRowtc by saying: OshjfxiuahfosajfouahuHFIHfhhfIUFHSfjij. Which is Elvish for ‘Stay tuned in for Chapter Three!’. Probably.